Where All the Kawaii Things Are
by Iba
Summary: Eusine and Morty are on the quest to find their precious legendary Pokemon. Most of their other adventures are unnecessary, though.
1. Newfound Hope

It was night when Morty was strolling through the Bellchime Trail to get to Taco Bell (which was really the Bell Tower, but he was too damn blazed to realize this) until his Pokegear rang. It took him three minutes to answer the annoying device, which pissed off the Hoothoots, but that didn't matter because the person calling him figured that Morty didn't have the finest skill of answering Pokegears at the moment… or any moment for that matter due to his constant state.

"Meow," Morty greeted to the Pokegear. The voice he heard was no other than Eusine's, and this mystical magician needed to talk to his brah about his woes. The neighborhood Sudowoodo got sick of Eusine's creepy and audible bullshit about Suicune, which happened to include the dog/beast/pony's Netherlands. Sudowoodo knew about these things. It was, in fact, a spy tree.

Indeed, this aggravated Sudowoodo paid Eusine a brief and unanticipated visit that involved beating the shit out of Eusine with a chair while he was shaving his chest hairs and snapping his prototype Suicune dick in half before coming back to block the road between Ecruteak, Goldenrod, and Violet City.

"Morty!" Eusine croaked. "Morty, you need to come over, man! I am so upset right now!" He also wanted to use his scarf for his tears, but he didn't mention that.

"Meow," Morty said and climbed up a tree, which took him close to ten minutes. After, he paused for a while as he sat there with the Pokegear pressed against his ear. Eusine could hear him breathe obnoxiously on the other line until Morty finally said something.

"Eusine, I don't know where I am, anymore."

"God damn it."

Eusine found Morty stupefied thirty minutes later when the sun was rising. He slung the gym leader on his shoulder, and they stayed at the back of the dance theater where all the creepy old men hang because those old-timers were just that sexually repressed. Morty just sat there, dazed, as Eusine was blowing his nose on Morty's scarf. A jock strap from one of the reckless old men slapped Morty in the face.

After realizing that his face was hurting, Morty muttered, "Wait a minute…" as he leaned over and picked up the nearest newspaper and stared at it. "Eusine… look at this."

Eusine made one last blow. He took the paper and examined the front page. "Pokemon egg discovery? Who the hell cares about eggs?"

Morty placed a finger on a different article without looking. He intended to point at the article about the serial killer running around in the Ilex Forest, proclaiming in one of the trees he has carved on that he was going to kill Eusine next, but he apparently missed.

"A zoo is opening in Route 38 because the Miltank died, and the farmers went bankrupt? HOLY SHIT, MORTY, WE GOTTA GO TO THE ZOO RIGHT NOW!" Eusine grabbed Morty's wrist and slithered off the chairs until Eusine slipped on the jock strap and smashed his face against the door's window where he saw Suicune prance off into the distance, never to be seen again.

"Bro, the zoo doesn't open until later," Morty mumbled to the floor, and with that they instead stayed indoors and got high to pass the time.

* * *

Morty and Eusine were standing in front of the zoo gates, for some reason being way too excited for their own good. They were chuckling and stumbling about until they actually remembered why they were there. They entered the zoo.

"WHAT IS THAT?" Eusine exclaimed immediately after, pointing at a giraffe. "WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THAT?" They walked closer to it.

Morty stared at this giraffe. It reminded him of a Girafarig, but it was so much bigger and much more plain except for the fact the spots on it were shaking and changing into different saturated colors. That may be because he was stoned, though. He was laughing at the giraffe even as the animal turned around and made this loud ass and nauseating fart that caused Eusine to bend over and vomit. Morty didn't have a care in the world.

They saw an elephant, too. It bewildered the two dingleberries so much that they started arguing about what it was without even bothering looking at the description. They forgot those things existed.

"Morty, is that..." Eusine breathed out in amazement, tugging at Morty's sleeve, "Suicune?"

"Man, you've been chasing that pony for years, and this whole time it's been here," Morty said. "That is one big vacuum for a world so small. I think I want to go to the moon someday."

"Morty, fuck, you're fucking retarded. Does that even look like a vacuum to you?"

"I guess."

"Dude, you're not my friend, anymore."

Morty bursted out laughing, spitting all over the sidewalk in front of him and on this boy that wore a red and white hoodie until he could hardly breathe. After what seemed like forever, he finally at least partly controlled his laughter. He sighed really deeply, "Ah ha ha ha… meow."

The next thing he knew, they were inside a cave with limited lighting, and suddenly, Morty forgot where he was. Eusine wasn't helping because when Morty asked him where they were, he forgot, too. They wandered around inside the cave as other people were walking as well. Not only that, it turned out they were walking in circles, and somehow along the way Eusine acquired a bag of cookies.

"I'm hungry," Morty said. He turned his head and saw Eusine just standing there, shoving a cookie in his mouth and chewing loudly. Before Morty was able to make his move to gain some delicacies, Eusine realized something.

"Wait, so Ash had an egg?" the guy asked despite the fact he didn't give a shit about eggs, while reaching for another handful of cookies. He's going to be one fat fuck tonight.

"Yes," Morty replied. "He had sex with Pikachu and that's what happened."

"Wait, what." Eusine accidentally dropped his handful of cookies, which landed all over the floor. "Ash. Had sex with Pikachu?"

Morty leaned over, picking up the chocolate chip cookies and placing them in his mouth as if he was a pigeon eating breadcrumbs. "Their love is quite shocking," he said sagely as chewed up chunks of cookie fell out of his mouth.

"And that is their lovely baby whom he is giving away to Iris?" Eusine questioned with furrowed brows, and then he clenched his teeth, revealing what looked like shit smeared all over his pearly whites. Both had no idea who this so-called baby is. In fact, in the end they had no idea what they were really talking about because the author's a douchebag. "What a douchebag."

"There will only be more eggs in the future," Morty pointed out. "By the way, Ash laid that egg." This conversation ended when Morty coughed up cookies all over the floor when he and Eusine saw a shitton of bats emerge out of nowhere. They screamed like banshees as they clumsily made a beeline to the exit like a bunch of drunks. Then they tried to catch their breath for five minutes until they decided to sit on a bench, but when Eusine sat down, he felt a warm substance on his rear end a boy named Gold immediately stuck on the bench. Morty ended up having to pull wet gum off Eusine's butt in public.

They thought these turn of events were retarded, so they ended up walking around again only to stop and stare at flamingos. This was when Morty felt a disturbance in the force. This disturbance felt like a person with hypochondria and claustrophobia sitting in between two unhygienic and sick fat people on a nine-hour plane ride.

"Oh, fuck, it's Whitney," Morty muttered. "Don't look."

But it was too late. Eusine made a quick glance, and immediately Whitney's eyes aimed at him as if he was dinner. "Ohmygod, it looked at me," Eusine sputtered, hiding his face behind his hand.

"HEY, GUYS!" shouted the Goldenrod gym leader.

"Hi, Whitney," they both said apathetically in unison, but Whitney didn't notice. She was in such a bubbly mood that she was blind about these obvious things.

"Oh my god, did you two know you, like, are, like, both at the zoo? Oh my god, the zoo? What are you? Gay?" She bent over, looking like she was inspecting their crotches. As this happened, a double rainbow emerged above the group without them knowing. "Why aren't you, like, two holding hands? I always thought you two were kinda yaoi!"

"Ummm, yeaaah," Morty scratched his head. Dandruff sprinkled off his scalp, "why are you here? Wasn't there a weird tree in the way?" Eusine's woes about earlier events suddenly attacked him as this conversation took place.

"Oh! About that! It's kinda funny. Miltank and I were strolling by that area, you see! I, like, wanted to help the plant grow, so I sprayed Round-Up on it, you see! Next thing I knew, I killed it! I didn't know it had that effect!" she started doing this ear-splitting laughter, which progressed into her breaking down and crying. She dashed out of their view, sobbing into her hands after realizing how fucking retarded she was.

Eusine just registered what she said. "Wait a minute, she KILLED IT? SHE GOT TO IT BEFORE ME?"

"What."

Eusine grabbed Morty by the scarf. "MORTY! THIS DOES NOT SMELL LIKE SUCCESS! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY DINNER!"

"What."

Eusine let go. He was violently shaking because sadness was coursing through his veins. "Morty, dude… I don't even know anymore." He slunk down to his knees, crying. The people walking around them thought they were a bunch of creepers, pulling their kids closer to them. Eventually the Officer Jennys were called, and they got kicked out of the zoo, being told to "GO BACK TO CHINA."

Because of these remorseful turns of events, the douple of durrs ended up chilin' in Morty's gym, and by chilin' I mean lying on the floor.

"Morty, do you think I'll ever catch Suicune?" Eusine asked. He waited for an answer, but he heard nothing from the other man. Eusine sat up and looked at Morty, who was sleeping. He also witnessed Haunter stealing his trainer's wallet, while Gengar teabagged him in the face.

"Goddammit," Eusine said. He left him alone and headed to the backdoor to contemplate the meaning of life. He tried remembering Morty's words of wisdom, but the only two things he could remember Morty say before was, "Pooping is different from farting." The other was mentioning female circumcision.

He sighed, but then he noticed that his crotch was vibrating. No wait; it was just his cell phone. He pulled it out and saw that he just received a text message.

"I can see your weenie. -Suicune"

Eusine gasped and quickly searched the area, but there was no Suicune around.

This didn't discourage him, though. He has found the path to his life once more. And with that, he turned and headed back to the gym to change his underwear because he came a little when he read that text.


	2. The Funk

Bugsy was a little bugaboo today. Actually he's a bugaboo every day. This time, though, he has decided to take a stroll through the Ilex Forest to study—you guessed it—bug Pokemon. That made him a total bugaboo.

Bugsy climbed up the trees in the forest with the help of some wild bug Pokemon because they thought he was the princess of the forest. Seriously, they dug his haircut, and he smelt like happy. Too bad they didn't know he was really a boy.

Anyway, he was perched on one of the trees' branches with a giant net and binoculars, cheerfully watching a Butterfree with an interesting pattern on its wings fly from afar. It looked like there were swastikas on them.

Suddenly, the tree shook. He almost dropped his binoculars, but he managed to hang on tight to it and the tree trunk so that he wouldn't fall and break his neck. He looked down and saw a fat man with a pink shirt and overalls ramming into the tree.

"COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!" the man bellowed and head butted it again. This time he was successful. Bugsy fell out of the tree and landed in a pile of leaves.

"W-what is going on?" Bugsy questioned, trembling. There was a giant shadow from the cackling fat man overcastting the little boy. The next thing anyone knew, there was a scream echoing throughout the forest, and it wasn't for ice cream.

* * *

Morty woke up to the smell of waffles. Despite how delightful this was his side was killing him. The floor was not kind to him this time, it seemed. He sat up and cracked his back and neck before standing up only to realize how dizzy he was. Yet he somehow made it to the kitchen. Eusine was there, making a chocolate milkshake for himself. This made Morty disappointingly go, "Oh."

"Oh, hey, Morty!" Eusine exclaimed as the other sat down at the table. Eusine slid over to Morty. He was really close to him. "What's up, buddy?"

Morty stared at him from the corner of his eyes. Eusine was usually this creepily cheerful when it had something to do with Suicune. He didn't really care, but he wished that Eusine would quit staring and smiling at him. He could feel his breath. It smelt like Pepto-Bismol.

Morty then looked at a different direction. Then another. The awkward silence won't go away. His throat was also feeling dry. He suddenly wanted the milkshake, which was in Eusine's hand, tempting him. He looked at the milkshake, then down at the table. The world was spinning.

Suddenly, Morty lunged towards the milkshake, but Eusine wouldn't let go. They were grunting at each other as they tried tugging the glass to themselves until Eusine slapped Morty in the face. The glass flew out of their grasp and spilled all over the floor just like that. It was everywhere. Their hopes and dreams. All over the floor.

"MOTHERFUCKER," they both shouted. Their bodies were in a tangled mess.

"You're cleaning that up," Eusine quickly added after releasing himself from Morty. He treaded to the fridge.

Morty was grumbling as Eusine pulled out an orange from his pocket. He was unpeeling it, ignoring what Morty just said by chuckling and mentioning how retarded he looked when he didn't cut his hair and wore all blue.

"Dude, Morty," Eusine also chirped. "We're going on a—ARRGGHHH!" He bit into his orange, which squirted him in the eye. He fell to the ground with his hands covering his eyes, landing in the chocolate milkshake puddle. Chocolate was his ultimate weakness.

Morty wasn't paying attention to Eusine's screaming at all because he was too busy spacing out at the table. Five minutes later, the magician was calm again with a giant, diarrhea-looking stain on his suit.

"So, Morty," Eusine started. He stopped because he realized that Morty wasn't reacting. "Morty? MORTY? MORTY, ARE YOU DEAD?" he shouted as he shook him, but then yesterday's events hit him. "Oh, never mind, you were high yesterday. As was I. Good times." And with that, Eusine went out the door.

An hour later, Morty woke up again and wandered towards the bathroom. When he was sitting on the toilet, flipping through a People magazine left by one of the old lady gym trainers, the door was bursted open by Eusine. Despite the fact Eusine was searching for Morty, this sudden success scared the crap out of them both as they screamed at each other.

"GET OUT!" Morty shouted next, chucking the magazine at Eusine before the other ran out without shutting the door.

When Morty was done with his business, he was the one looking for Eusine next. He was apparently at the table, drinking another milkshake.

"Morty!" Eusine called after immediately seeing him. "Finally! Apparently there's a trainer who wants to challenge you!"

Morty ran a hand down his face and sighed. "Are you serious?" He didn't feel like doing shit today.

"Yeah, and he's currently going through your shithole of a gym, man," Eusine said, chuckling a bit, while it looked like Morty was searching for something, which he was.

"Uh, hey, Eusine…? Have you seen Gengar anywhere?"

"What? No, I was outside."

"Goddammit," Morty replied. "Um, help me find him."

They went their separate ways as they looked for Gengar, hoping to find the ghost before the challenger finished going through the gym and being pinched in the cheeks by the old ladies. Eusine has taken the main floor, while Morty went upstairs. The gym leader explored everywhere from under his bed to behind the toilet before he decided to give up. He went back into his room and began rolling up a doobie.

"Oh, hey, Gengar," Morty said as he puffed a second time. Gengar was laughing. "I was looking for you, haha." He coughed a few times. "We have a gym battle to attend to, mm."

They went downstairs and found Eusine who was flexing at a mirror. "Oh, sweet, just in time," Eusine said after he noticed them. "The kid just made it to you."

After he said that, they went to the gym, and indeed there was a boy waiting for Morty. The two didn't remember him, but the boy in the red and white hoodie named Gold sure did remember them. When he saw them, he pointed at their direction and shouted, "OH, IT'S YOU FUCKHEADS!"

Eusine was confused as all hell, but Morty just laughed.

"It's good of you to have—hehe—come," he said. "Here in Ecruteak, Pokemon… forget it, let's just battle, okay? Hahaha."

"Fine by me!" Gold shouted. "I've had enough bullshit from this gym!" he pointed at his legs, which had bruises all over them. "I fell way too many times in here!"

"Cool," Morty said.

They battled for twenty minutes until Morty was up to his last Pokemon, which had about one-fourth of health by this time. This was Haunter, and apparently it was Morty's turn to call out a move. He told it to use Curse, which made Haunter faint, and Gold automatically won.

"Dude, what the hell?" said Eusine.

Morty laughed. "Aw, fuck, man. I blew it." He stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out a Fog badge. He propelled it at the kid, which was really not at all close to the boy. "Okay, that was fun. Bye." He turned around and went back in the other room, while the kid was angrily mentioning something about having to also receive a TM. Morty sat down on a couch and wondered what the hell just happened until Eusine walked in.

"Morty, so I was thinking—"

Gold limped into the room. "You guys!" he shouted.

Morty and Eusine turned their heads at him.

"Hey…" Morty slowly said. "You're not supposed to be in here. I don't have any TMs, either. I sold it for—"

"Shut up!" Gold continued shouting. "I should have mentioned this before I battled you, but anyway, one of the other gym leaders were missing!" He actually thought winning his badges were higher on his priories list than saving a person's life. Before Gold continued talking, Morty sneezed on him. This made him shut up because Gold now felt like his soul was infected.

"You're loud," Morty stated. He turned his head at Eusine. "You know what this means, right?" He was referring to what Gold was talking about.

Eusine winked. "Damn straight I do." He blew into his fingers to make a deafening whistle. The next thing everyone knew, the ground started rumbling that slowly grew stronger until it seemed like the gym was undergoing an earthquake. It sounded like there was a monster growling right outside.

"Let's roll," Eusine said as he pulled out his sunglasses as Morty pulled out his 3D ones, and they dashed out the backdoor. Gold followed them to see a badass car that resembled the Batmobile, except it was the Suicunemobile. Eusine took the driver's seat as Morty sat in the shotgun seat after calling dibs on it. Gold was in the back. And with that, the car blasted through Ecruteak and all the trees in Route 37 and such until they made it to Azalea Town.

Eusine poked his head out of the Suicunemobile when he saw Kurt. "Hey, dude, do you know where Bugsy is?"

"Of course not, you dumbass. Didn't you read the newspaper?"

Eusine stuck his head back in, feeling emotionally hurt. Morty was messing with the radio. Gold heard everything and tapped Eusine on the shoulder.

"Hey, I bet Bugsy is in the Ilex Forest," he said.

"Hey, if you're so sure, why didn't you go save him yourself?" Eusine spat back.

"Hey, faggot, I can't cut through shit yet without his badge," Gold said. Eusine mentally questioned the gym leader's gender. Then everyone got out of the Suicunemobile and did the dinosaur.

They went inside the forest, too. Around this time, Morty was starting to feel weirder. The trees were purple. The water was yellow. The dirt was freakin' green. The 3D glasses weren't helping, either.

"Hello, Morty, we've been waiting for you," a tree (Grandmother Willow?) greeted as everything smiled at him.

"Yes, Morty," a leaf said as it flew off a tree branch, "waiting."

The flowers on the ground started giggling like schoolgirls, and suddenly the jingle from "Ice Cream Truck" by Cazwell started blasting throughout the forest. Everything was dancing.

Morty uttered out a, "Dude."

Eusine went, "What?"

"Do you know where the dogs go when the pine freeze is up?"

This blew Eusine's mind.

Unfortunately, Eusine couldn't ponder what he misheard because something tackled him from behind. Morty watched as a fat guy in overalls was what it looked like molesting his butt buddy. His pink shirt was really distracting, though. Then it hit him.

"Oh, shit, Eusine!" Morty announced. "There is a serial killer in this forest!"

"WHAT THE FUCK."

As much as Gold would love to see the man kill Eusine, he just found this whole situation unbearable to do it justice. He called out his Quilava, lowered the fat man's HP by three-fourths, threw a Heavy Ball, and caught him. He nicknamed the fat man "GilesFunk".

"Thanks," Eusine said, buttoning up his pants as Morty applauded until he lost his balance and fell into a bush. That was when Morty found Bugsy tied up with duct tape over his mouth. No, he wasn't dead, you silly goons. He was supposed to be GilesFunk's dinner.

"Hey! We found Bugsy!" exclaimed Morty. He got up, and he and Eusine sashayed out of the forest, feeling like a couple of champions.


	3. Fucking Flashback

Little Eusine was sitting on the floor with his thumb in his mouth. He never got rid of that terrible habit, but he'll be damned if he were to quit now. He was a thumboholic. He was by the fireplace, which happened to be the only thing lighting up the room as Eusine was enthralled by the story his grandfather was currently telling for the twentieth time. He loved listening to this story his grandfather would ramble as he was drunk every time.

Little Eusine would beckon his grandfather in his helium-filled voice to continue. Eusine's grandfather would wheeze and take another swig of whiskey to pretend to be dramatic. It worked. He said, "Dat Suicune was one hell of a fine lady! Her hips were smooth and her hair was so long and luscious!" His story was fine and dandy until the end. That was the part where he got solemn and told Eusine that women named Suicune should be watched over at all times, especially around stoners.

Eusine never understood that part, but after hearing his grandfather's story so many times and lovin' every minute of it, the boy became captivated to find his precious Suicune. He would look everywhere. He would dig in his sandbox, climb trees, and go in the deep end of the public pool despite the fact he couldn't swim. He almost drowned once. Yet he couldn't find this beautiful Suicune.

One day he got desperate to the point he was sobbing in the middle of a road. He apparently snapped when a Pidgey flew over the boy and crapped on his shoulder. When Eusine heard a booming, masculine yet ambiguously friendly voice, he immediately looked up with tear-filled eyes to see a giant, red cat/bear/pony thing. It was lying on its side, looking at little Eusine curiously.

"What seems to be the matter, little boy?" the giant beast purred while running a paw through part of his giant whisker-beard. "Bird crapped on you? Don't you worry. I ate that bastard." The beast was licking its fuzzy lips.

"W-who are you?" squeaked Eusine. He has never seen anything like this. He remembered when his grandfather whipped out a picture of Suicune. The difference between this Pokemon and the one in the photo was that the beast talking to him at the moment was fat and ugly. "Are you Scar?"

"My name," the beast stood up and flaunted its fabulous booty, "is Entei. Me-OW."

Suddenly, it hit Eusine. He remembered his grandfather mentioning two other ponies. He said that one of them was a fat, ugly chick that would come over to him when he would never want to be near it. Everything made sense now.

"W-why are you talking to me?" Eusine questioned. He suddenly felt vexed. "You're not Suicune! Go and eat a Miltank, you fat bastard!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa." Entei waved his paws in front of him, trying to cool down this situation. "Son, you shan't be hatin'. I have news for you. Now if you don't shut the fuck up and listen, I'll come over there and put you in my mouth."

Indeed little Eusine shut the fuck up'd and listened. Entei leaped off the giant rock it was on and circled Eusine. The boy didn't know what to expect as he smelt Entei's tuna breath until the beast enlightened him that Suicune knew about Eusine's existence and his goal to track it down no matter what.

"And Suicune likes it."

Eusine's heart almost failed, and he felt weird down there for the first time. He was speechless as he watched Entei leap off into the distance. After, Eusine went home and decided to become a man. He lifted weights and ate steak for a few months as he continued to track down Suicune.

Several years later, Eusine was a young man who mastered the arts of conning people. He called it being a magician. He also became a Pokemon trainer. His parents kicked him out of their home for having a Suicune shrine in his room (they also disapproved of his grandfather), so he lived a life wandering around and making the best use out of nature.

One day, he found himself in Ecruteak City for the first time. The air smelt like really funky leaves. The city itself looked quite traditional and pretty, though. In this city, there was something Eusine wanted to check out, which was the notorious Brass Tower.

Ironically, when he entered the tower, there was nobody there except for one person at the top floor. Eusine saw a man around his age sitting Indian-style on the hard floor with his back at him. He was also giggling like a retard as Eusine noted the smoke emitting from the person. Eusine had a feeling he has just encountered a hippy.

When the person turned his head at the magician, Eusine saw that he wore blue, had long, blond hair, and looked high as fuck. Yep, this was a hippy all right, and his name was Morty.

"Oh, fuck!" Morty exclaimed or at least tried to with the joint in his mouth. He tried getting up, but ended up stumbling over. Nobody was supposed to see him smoking up here. This was the place where he could secretly, literally chill out. "Dude, like… you didn't see anything, okay?" He nervously laughed. Not gonna lie, he did find this whole thing funny, though.

"What the hell are you doing?" Eusine questioned, getting ready to attack the other. This place was supposed to be sacred. More specifically, Eusine heard that Suicune and its bros made this tower their headquarters, but instead a stoner inhabited it.

"I'm… not smoking?" Morty sniggered and then coughed. "Look. Um, if you want to challenge me, come back later… Forget what you just saw, okay?" By this time, Morty has stood up, placing a friendly hand on Eusine's shoulder. Eusine pushed it away.

"Bullshit!" Eusine scolded, remembering the ending to his grandfather's story. "You get the fuck out of here right now! … Wait, what the hell do you mean?"

"Oh, shit, I made it worse, didn't I…" Morty ran a hand through his hair. "Okay, if I battle you now, would you leave me alone? Hahaha."

"No, seriously, what are you talking about? Why the hell would I battle someone like you?"

"Oh, nothing…"

Eusine had enough of this bullshit as he watched the other man, who totally forgot that Eusine was there, attempting to light up another doobie. Eusine couldn't control himself. He needed to defend Suicune no matter what the cost was. He slapped Morty with all the strength he could muster, which was a lot due to all the steak he has eaten in the past. The doobie flung out of Morty's mouth, which hit the floor, and Morty slung back his hand that was holding the lighter. Still lit up, the lighter touched the wall, which had Morty start a fire.

"OH MY GOD!" Eusine screamed as it spread throughout the building. Morty also looked petrified at this mess. Oh, he was going to be dead meat now. He also noted how beautiful the fire looked. "Fuck! Where the hell is Suicune?"

"Suicune, huh…" Morty muttered. "Uh, dude, I think we should get out of here..." He wouldn't move, though, because the fire entranced him, and he was also a bit dizzy. Eusine was quickly trying to look for Suicune and blowing out the fire until he realized that the fire has gotten too bad. He grabbed Morty's wrist and pulled him out of the room. They stumbled down each floor until Eusine saw at the corner of his eye something blue amidst all the smoke. He halted as Morty slammed into him.

This was the first time Eusine has actually met Suicune in his entire life. Too bad the Pokemon was now melting. It was too busy grooming itself to notice flames surrounding it beforehand. Eusine felt disgusted with himself. This was all his fault. He shouldn't have slapped a stoner.

Eusine tried holding back the tear that was threatening to drip down his eye, but then he continued running with Morty. The building was falling apart as Eusine mentally said sorry repeatedly. They made it out of the Brass Tower in time before the whole edifice has broken down.

Eusine was speechless as he and Morty stood there to witness their giant accident. The residents of Ecruteak gathered the area, and eventually there were people who had water Pokemon to stop the fire, but it was too late. The building was in shambles. Luckily for Morty, nobody knew who started it, but unfortunately for Eusine, everyone thought it was his fault since he was an alien to this city. They were about to gang up on the magician with power tools until Morty stepped in front of them.

"Hey… I forgot what I was going to say." The residents got angrier and were about to push Morty away until he quickly remembered. "Hey! Did you guys know there's a new White Castle open at the edge of this city? Pretty sweet stuff."

Everyone went, "Oh, really?" and talked amongst themselves until they decided to check out this White Castle. They thanked him, turned around, and left. Eusine and Morty were left alone.

"Why the hell…" Eusine said, "would they listen to you? And why did you do that?"

"Um, dude," Morty said. "I'm Morty. I'm a gym leader."

"What the fuck?" Eusine stepped away from Morty and examined him. "Are you fucking serious?"

"Uh, yeah, man," Morty started laughing. "Oh god, your face. Ahh… anyway, I did whatever the hell I did because you saved me, bro. Thanks."

Eusine sighed as if to say "You're welcome" and sat down on the sidewalk, running a hand down his face. His dreams were shattered. He saved the enemy. How would his dead grandfather make of this? He thought of all this as Morty was going through his pockets, looking for his lighter until he remembered that he lost it. He sighed as well and sat next to Eusine.

"Man, I'm so fucked. I don't have anywhere else to smoke," Morty mumbled. "I've fucked up pretty freakin' bad in general, I should say." He started coughing.

"Fff, no shit," Eusine replied. He didn't have anywhere to go, so he might as well agree with Morty's dumbassery. Hell, it might have earned him a tiny bit of points from his dead grandfather despite the fact he probably lost his grandfather's respect altogether. Actually, never mind, screw it; he decided to do the opposite. "Hey… I have a lighter. Have any more of your shit?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah!" Morty dug through his pockets and soon supplied both of them with joints. Eusine lit both of their doobies. When Eusine puffed on his, he thought, "Yep, I'm going to hell."

Soon enough they were just sitting there and laughing and talking about nonsensical shit such as the dangers of playing Scrabble with a horny boy and how hilarious silent movies were. They had a gay ol' time until something suddenly happened to the extinguished tower in front of them. A giant bird flew in the sky, leaving behind a rainbow right over the ex-tower.

"Holy shit!" Morty exclaimed, trying to stand up. "Where the fuck is my camera? Eusine, where is it? Oh wait, I don't own a camera."

"Hey, isn't that like, Ho-ho or something?" Eusine was too out of it to remember that this Pokemon was vital, especially when it came to his quest for Suicune.

"It's Oh-oh, you retard. Eusine, we gotta get it, Eusine. Eusine, follow me." They hobbled towards it, but it was too late. The Ho-oh disappeared.

This was Morty's cue to feel depressed. Well, he was too stoned to feel as bad as Eusine did. All he did was stand there and laugh as he cursed. While he did this, Eusine peered over to the Burned Tower and noticed something amazing happening. It was so amazing he had to run over to Morty for some reason, tug his clothes, and repeatedly say, "LOOK! LOOK!" despite the fact the gym leader was already facing the right direction.

They both stared at what was happening in front of them. Sparkles sprinkled from the rainbow, elegantly landing on the ground, which then slowly organized into shapes. Then, from bottom up, the shapes gained form. Eusine and Morty almost peed themselves when they realized, after outwardly guessing what Pokemon they were, what was happening, which was the fact Suicune, Entei, and Raikou were being reborn.

When the Pokemon became normal aka alive, they examined the two stoners. When Suicune and Eusine gazed at each other, somehow there was communication between the pony and its pursuer, which was, "Everything that just happened was retarded as hell, but whatever, it's all good. I'm gonna get some beef jerky." Then the three Pokemon galloped out of the area as Entei went, "Me-OW." It was silent for a while until Morty went, "Ha ha ha… meow."

"Well, I guess I'm not screwed after all. Awesome," he continued, looking up at the sky. The intensely bright (well to him) rainbow was also disappearing. "I guess my ancestors won't send me to hell, after all."

Eusine didn't ask him what he was talking about until later. It turned out Morty's job since he was born was to study the Pokemon they just summoned by accident. Not that he minded, though. He always wanted to meet Ho-oh.

Morty continued rambling his ideas, "I guess I should just keep the marijuana in my gym, huh?"

"Hey, Morty?"

"Oh, you're still here."

"You're fucking retarded," Eusine said, actually smiling for once at the other. He let out his hand, offering a handshake, "but thanks for everything. I think we could help each other out."

Morty shook Eusine's hand, and with this, today was officially the day when everything has changed for the both of them. After they shook, Eusine put his hand behind Morty's ear and pulled out a joint. It was the best magic trick Morty has ever seen.


	4. Thriller

Morty and Eusine were inside Morty's gym, battling on Wi-Fi against each other with their DSes at a game of Pokemon. Eusine could not believe what the hell was happening at this very moment. Earlier, Eusine traded Morty a bunch of Bidoofs, and now Morty was destroying his team of Drifloons with his last Bidoof. None of his other Bidoofs besides his last one, which was named Doofus, had been taught Thunderbolt.

Eusine lost his cool when Morty suddenly turned off his DS in mid-battle. He threw his DS to the floor, shouting, "YOU DICK."

Morty was cracking up the whole time about this. After Eusine made a scene for five minutes, they found themselves doing nothing again. They were bored, which was kind-of sad because the other day Eusine mentioned that he wanted to embark on his journey to search for Suicune again. He has spent too long dicking around with Morty. Tonight was their last night, and they had nothing to do.

"Wouldn't it be awesome if Pokemon were real?" Morty mused out loud.

"Morty, you son of a bitch, they're real."

"Oh," Morty said. "That's right. Hey, Eusine, wanna go preorder Pokemon Black and White?"

Due to lack of any better ideas, they commenced their journey to Gamestop that night. They also took some LSD before they left. Thirty minutes later, they were at the Ruins of Alph feeling wonky. They vaguely knew where they were, but when they were in the mysterious hall, they began to freak out when Unowns were popping out from all over the place. To them they didn't look like Unowns, though. They decided demonic demons were attacking them.

They didn't know how to handle this. They were both horrified and apathetic about this, but regardless, they didn't enjoy the fact this was happening. For ten minutes, they tried getting out of the building they were in, but even as they got out, they found out that the demons were still after them.

"Dude, Eusine…" Morty uttered, trying to catch his breath. "There's nobody around." This wasn't actually unusual since most people don't usually dwell at the Ruins of Alph, especially at this time of the day.

Yet Eusine was in awe. "There isn't." The two of them looked at each other in alarm. "Doesn't that mean that… everyone is…"

"DEAD," they shouted in unison.

Morty wrapped an arm around Eusine's neck and pulled him closer to him. "THEY'RE ALL DEAD."

Eusine pulled at Morty's scarf, which felt like a fluffy kitty. "EVERYONE'S DEAD."

They looked behind them and saw the Unowns after them. Those sons of bitches did this. They knew it, and it was them against those. They had to save the world no matter what the cost.

They ran to the Pokemart, thinking it was best to change their attire. They both bought suits and fedoras, using all the pennies they had mustered. If they were going to be super heroes, they had to at least look fashionably prepared.

While they were shopping for these, not too far away from the Pokemart was Falkner. He had recently acquired a Poketch from eBay so that he could start chaining for a shiny Hoothoot. He thought that since he sucked at being a gym leader, he might as well gather sparkly Pokemon. Bitches would be too stunned to attack a shiny Pokemon was what he thought. Hell, if that didn't work, he could always release all that he had and start his life all over again living as a bird. He always wanted to be a bird.

When Falkner made it to his forty-first bush, he has done it. Out from the bushes emerged a shiny Hoothoot. Falkner fell to his knees out of shock as he saw the pee-colored owl. It was so beautiful. He couldn't believe he actually succeeded something once in his life.

Before he was able to begin battling it, Morty and Eusine were heading his way before they halted and saw Falkner as a zombie. They haven't thought ahead as to what they should do if they encountered a zombie.

"Morty, tell me," Eusine muttered to Morty. "What should we do?"

"Why are you asking me?" he replied.

"I thought you were an expert on this shit."

Morty stared at Eusine. He was pondering about this until he came to a resolution. "Eusine, dammit, I don't study zombies."

"YOU ARE USELESS," was Eusine's immediate conclusion.

The only idea they had was to tackle the zombie, which was exactly what they did. Morty also held Falkner from behind as he let Eusine punch him repeatedly in the stomach. Falkner had no idea what the fuck was going on, but he watched in horror as the Hoothoot was about to make a fly for it. He kicked Eusine in the balls and limped towards the bird.

Hoothoot hopped off the ground, off Falkner's head, and twirled in the air. When Eusine got up from off the ground after rubbing his delicate groin, he looked up, and the last thing he saw was the bird's ass liberating a fresh turd, "pewing" to his face. The headshot made him fall back to the ground. The Hoothoot got away.

"NOOOOO!" Falkner shouted, slamming a fist to the ground. Anger was flowing through him to the point he couldn't feel the physical pain he had received. He got up and stomped over to Morty, grabbing him by the tie and pulling him down since he was much shorter than Morty. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID?" Before Morty responded, Falkner just kept continuing. "I WAS LOOKING FOR THAT HOOTHOOT FOR AN HOUR, AND WHEN I FINALLY FOUND IT, YOU TWO DUMBASSES JUST HAD TO SHOW UP, HUH? HUH?"

Morty started giggling under Falkner's grasp. He just said, "Bird is the word."

As this happened, Eusine became conscious again. He had to register what just happened. When he remembered the daunting ass of the Hoothoot, it, along with the time when a Pidgey pooped him on when he was young, wouldn't stop playing in his head as if they were nightmares. He was easily traumatized about these things. The scenes that were flashing within his head made him go crazy. He started screaming, stopping Falkner from punching Morty in the face, and then he ran at Morty, tackling him to the ground.

Mind you, though, Eusine didn't do anything. He just lied on top of the other, bawling his eyes out as the other was trying to comfort the big, gay baby. Falkner just stood there, watching them. He had no idea what the hell was going on. He just thought of them as retards, which had him feeling suddenly better about himself. Falkner turned around and decided that he might as well go and chain again, but when he peered at his Poketch, he noticed that somehow throughout this whole craziness the screen has gotten cracked.

Falkner died on the inside. In fact, he has decided then and there to give up on his current lifestyle. He completely stripped himself and dashed off into the woods with his arms flapping as he shouted, "COO COO!"

Morty and Eusine heeded no attention to the fleeing Falkner. Eusine was too busying sobbing and rubbing his bird shit face on Morty's suit until he calmed down. Then they heard something. It sounded like a tune. It sounded as if there was evil lurkin' in the dark.

They got up and the tune got louder until it became audible. Morty and Eusine saw a sight that almost stopped their hearts. All the demonic demons that were after them earlier finally found them. They froze as the horror looked at them right between the eyes. It also turned out "Thriller" by Michael Jackson was exploding throughout the forest, but in reality it was only them hallucinating this.

Morty was able to get back up on his feet, and he quickly pulled Eusine on his before they made a run for it, but that was cut short when they bumped into a person. This person was Pryce. He was around the area (more specifically Violet City) because he heard that the city's Pokemart was selling giant ice cubes for half off. He definitely could not pass that up despite the fact he barely went out. It was like that one time he went to his granddaughter's house so that she could show him a video of her baby's first bitchslap.

"What are you boys doing here?" he questioned, sounding worried. Although it was true that he barely saw the other gym leaders, he felt like it was his duty to watch out for them even though Eusine was just a loser. Whatever that meant. "Why do you two look so out of it?"

"'Cause…" Morty announced, "THIS IS THRILLER NIGHT." As he said this, Eusine had a giant stick he picked up from the ground and bashed one of the Unowns with it. He made a homerun.

Well, Pryce was confused as all hell, but nonetheless, he was the ice gym leader. He chuckled under his breath. "Thriller night, huh…? I'll show you the jaws of the alien this time. Oh, yes. I'm gonna thrill you all tonight."

Morty and Eusine backed away from the old man as he threw his cane and walked up to the Unowns. Then suddenly, he started to dance, and the Unowns were following his every move. Morty and Eusine were actually pretty entertained from this as they watched them do the Thriller dance.

This went on for a good three minutes until Pryce couldn't catch his breath and went, "Screw it." and walked away from this situation, leaving Morty and Eusine being attacked by the Unowns. They had nothing to defend themselves with, so they whited out for a good two hours. They also lost some cash.

"Oh, man," Eusine muttered as he finally woke up. He observed the area around him. Morty was still out beside him. Their unnecessary fancy clothes were a mess, and they somehow lost their fedoras. Eusine also noticed the fact that they were beat up as he touched his face only to feel dry bird crap. There was one thing he could say about all of this, "I am never going to Gamestop while on acid ever again."

Morty woke up soon after and saw Eusine's face. "My god, your face is greasy."

Then they both looked up and detected that they were both right in front of Gamestop. They dusted themselves off, which barely helped any and walked up to the cashier. The cashier thought he saw death for a second there when they entered until he realized he was looking at two stoners. In this case, he didn't give a shit. "May I help you two?"

"Uh, yes," Eusine said. "We would like to preorder Pokemon Black and White, please."

The cashier looked at them as if they were full of shit. "Dude, those games don't exist."

Morty and Eusine looked at each other and went, "What."


	5. Yaoi

Several weeks later, Morty and Eusine were rolling around in the grass. Earlier that day, Morty was studying about legendary Pokemon in a dark room, blasting "You Give Love a Bad Name," but then Eusine decided to bother his ass after getting temporarily tired of searching for Suicune. They talked about pancakes and how Eusine, who was in the middle of showering, once had to make Morty, who had a violent case of the munchies, pancakes that looked and felt like black bricks. Morty ended up biting out of a candle.

Then Morty started whispering sweet nothings about nonsense, which had Eusine's ears feel molested. While this was happening, Medium Martha, one of Ecruteak's gym trainers, entered this scenario, holding a batch of fresh cookies. They smelt magically delicious. Too bad most of Medium Martha's food consisted of a disturbing secret ingredient. Those who knew about this fact now call her Satan, and they would back away from these diabolical creations. This doesn't stop her, though, from trying to pressure others into eating her crap and from posting dicks with Morty's Tumblr account. Well, actually, she made a Tumblr for Morty without him knowing and added all his acquaintances.

"MORRRTY," she cried out in her oh-god-I'm-gonna-have-a-stroke-any-second-now voice as she waddled in. "COME AND EAT MY COOOOOKIES." When she got to Morty after two minutes, she started pinching his cheeks aka ripping his skin off as Eusine watched. Morty was whining out a, "Nooooo, stoooop iiiiit." as this happened.

Suddenly, a huge turd fell from the sky and splashed all over on Eusine as if he was being slime'd by Nickelodeon. Except this wasn't green, it was white. He looked up and saw a giant phoenix ass flying right over him. He screamed at Morty.

"HOLY SHIT, EUSINE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!" was what the other said when Eusine got his attention.

"DUDE…" Eusine shouted. "I'M MELTING."

Morty looked up as Martha left and finally noticed Ho-oh overhead. Before he could react, a Master Ball flew at it, capturing the bird. Before both could see who did this, they heard a loud OM NOM NOM sound and realized a little girl with a giant bow on her white hat was chewing on Morty's scarf, which tasted like Oreos quite frankly.

"What are you doing?" Eusine sputtered.

"HI," she replied. "You're disgusting!"

"I…" Eusine cried, "know!"

"I caught Ho-oh!" she then exclaimed. "And I caught Suicune! And I caught Joey's Rattata! And I caught—"

"WAIT," Morty and Eusine shouted, "WHAT."

"Hi!" she said. "My name is Lyra!" She stuck her hand in her bag and pulled out another Master Ball, throwing it like a boss. It was Suicune. Suicune didn't recognize Eusine and instead thought it was looking at a giant cum dump. It also didn't notice him having a boner and crying after he realized that his life had no meaning anymore. Lyra had to call back Suicune before it situated its majestic self next to a tree and pee sparkles.

"I gotta go bye!" she said, calling out her Ho-oh and flying away on it. She had beef jerky to attend to.

That night, Eusine and Morty were in Morty's bed. Eusine was in his speedo, sobbing himself to sleep. Morty was sleeping. He dreamed about him and Eusine wearing togas on the ring of Saturn, while there were aliens with glow sticks dancing around them as they were about to get married. Morty woke up screaming when Eusine was going to kiss him, the bride.

He then looked to his left and saw that Eusine was sleeping/drowning in a puddle of tears. Morty kept shaking his shoulder and asking if he was awake until Eusine snorted really loud, which awoke him from his slumber.

"Where am I?" he muttered.

"Eusine," Morty murmured darkly, "are you gay?"

"What?" Eusine paused as if this was a trick question. "…No." He was obviously Suicunesexual.

"Are you sure?" Was what he heard next.

"What?"

"You wanna do it?"

Eusine sat up, fully awake now. "WHAT." Morty meowed at how suddenly loud the magician was. "Did you have a gay epiphany or something?"

"No… well, sorta," Morty explained, although quite frankly he felt lost about what he was talking about. He suddenly craved for White Castle. He touched Eusine's shoulder, or at least that's what he thought that was. He really needed that White Castle, dude.

Eusine peered at Morty. He wasn't sure if he was trying to lead him on, but if he was going to keep going like this, it's only going to get annoying and seriously creepy. He exhaled really deeply while flushing furiously at what he couldn't believe what he was going to do next and sat back up. "Okay… Just stop touching my weenis."

Morty didn't know what he was talking about until he uncomfortably watched Eusine reluctantly creep a hand down his pants, imagining Morty as Suicune. He hollered like a grieving Indian and started slapping Eusine.

Then they both screamed when the roof suddenly exploded and a nude Falkner appeared from the sky. They both stared at him as he stared back at them as if he were a deer in the headlights. Then Falkner screamed. He ran out of the room.

"My god," Eusine said, running a hand down his face. "Could tonight get any gayer?"

"Tell me about it." Morty was already out of the bed and scavenging for weed. He figured he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, so he might as well make the best out of this situation. After Morty and Eusine inhaled a few times from their Ho-oh and Suicune bongs, Morty had a brilliant idea, which was having them swap their clothes and go and rob Lyra's legendary Pokemon. She wouldn't know who stole her Pokemon for sure.

"Oh my god," Eusine said, brofisting Morty. "Oh my god. Let's do it."

So they did, and they ran in Falkner's direction. He somehow made it back on the roof, attempting to jump off.

"DO IT!" Eusine and Morty shouted as two admirable men would as they ran by. They had no idea where they were going. They halted, though, when a Master Ball smacked Falkner in the ass. It looked as though his anus was sucking him up until he was caught.

"Aaaah, oh my god!" Lyra popped out. She picked up the Master Ball and pressed it against her cheek. That's rather nasty. "I got a person! Hehehe!" She then saw a butterfly and started chasing it.

"What the fuck do we do now?" Eusine asked.

"Um," Morty replied.

Morty was about to lead Eusine back into the gym so that they could just sit around and smoke some more weed until Lyra tugged at his (read: Eusine's) shirt from behind. "Excuse me!" she squeaked.

"Uhh?"

Lyra did the come hither gesture, and Morty leaned down only to have his messy hair molested by the giggling, little girl. Morty was getting to enjoy this after the marijuana started getting stronger. Lyra unfortunately stopped after she thought of an idea.

"Hey, hey, let's take a picture together!" she exclaimed, pulling on the cape, while taking out a camera made out of Legos.

"Oh, okay," Morty said. "Hey, Morty, quit finger-pooping and… wait, I'm Morty." He wheezed. "POOP."

"Dude," Eusine said. "Like, gimme back my clothes. Your scarf feels like burning."

"Shut up, Morty—wait. GOD DAMN IT."

"STOP IT, MAN! YOU'RE STARTING TO CONFUSE ME!"

While they were tripping balls, Lyra was looking through her bag until she found a certain Master Ball. She called out her Ho-oh and started rubbing its belly while it was on its back, waiting for the stoners to finish bickering. They forgot she had Ho-oh, so when they saw it, they were like, "HOLY SHIT."

Morty walked up to the Ho-oh and started petting it and rubbing his face against the bird. It felt like Charmin toilet paper. He was giggling like a little girl. Lyra was standing there, smiling really big. Eusine was too stunned and jealous.

"Hey, do you have a Suicune?" he asked.

"I did!" she said. "But then I traded it for Gold's GilesFunk!"

"OH MY GODDDDD," was all Eusine could sputter. The name struck his heart as he remembered the snot-nosed little boy and the fat man fondling his delicates. His penis whimpered. "MORTY!"

Morty had chunks of Ho-oh feathers stuffed in his mouth. "Whaf?"

"DUDE, WE GOTTA ROB THAT SON OF A BITCH, GOLD!"

"Wait, wait!" Lyra said. "I have his number. Let me call him!" She took out her Pokegear and dialed. Gold answered. "Hey, Eusine and Morty want to steal your Suicune!"

"Tell them to fuck off," was his reply. This made Lyra, Eusine, and Morty go, "Ewww."

Lyra hanged up and led Morty and Eusine to Gold's house in New Bark Town. Before they left, Morty grabbed a zip-lock bag filled with Medium Martha's cookies. Gold's mom wasn't in the house because she was at the nearest strip club, spending her son's money on important matters. They dashed upstairs as if time was running out. Morty accidentally rammed his elbow against the doorway after sprinting in the room at the same time as Eusine. They found Gold before time could indeed run out.

"What the hell are you guys doing here?" Gold sputtered. He was in his pajamas with Luvdiscs on them, watching My Little Pony on his computer. "And why are you two wearing each other's clothes?"

"We're here to steal Suicune!" Eusine announced. Behind him, Morty was wondering if he was in purgatory.

"Oh, I released that thing," Gold said, shrugging.

"You…" Eusine smiffed. "You did that… for me?" He leaned over and started hugging the boy he usually found annoying, which had Gold try to push him away because no homo.

"N-NO! Only faggots use legendaries."

Eusine stopped showering the boy with his affections, and instead he gripped him by the shoulders, violently shaking Gold as if he was god. "WHAT? WHY DID YOU EVEN HAVE IT?"

"Just to piss you off!"

Eusine couldn't believe what he was hearing. This whole time this boy was toying with his emotions to the point he almost became yaoi. He couldn't handle his mood swings due to being stoned. He started strangling Gold. "YOU SON OF A. FUCKING. BITCH."

"Oh, no!" Lyra shrieked. Morty remembered that he was holding a bag of cookies. He used this to his advantage. He hurled cookies at his amigo, and it was working. The cookies felt like death was incoming after each throw, and Eusine found himself letting go of the boy.

"I can't believe you did that, you dick!" Gold gasped, massaging his throat. "And after I became the champion, too!"

"YOU? A CHAMPION?" Eusine wheezed. "Holy shit, you must be lying!" He paused and noticed that Gold was berry serious. Eusine found himself on the floor, having the floor caress his body, all over his nipples, as he rolled around, laughing. Morty came out of the closet with a board game and suggested that they should all play Twister.

Eusine and Lyra were all up for this. Gold, however, told the little faggots to get the fuck out of his room and that Morty should quit posting penises on his Tumblr. Morty had no idea what he was talking about, but nonetheless, the trio found themselves outside at 2 AM.

Lyra actually realized that it was pretty late, so she said goodbye to the grown men. She skipped away, leaving the two stranded in this little town.

"Dude," Morty said, reaching for Eusine's hand for comfort. "Dude, where are we?"

"I…" Eusine pondered this. "Fuck."

They wandered around town until they found themselves at the strip club. They sat down and noticed two women throwing money at Chuck. Apparently this was Gold's mom and Chuck's wife. This didn't register with the two because they were just too high and tired. They found this Burger King to be disappointing, so they wandered around New Bark Town again. Instead of going west, they went east, and somehow their cannabis powers enabled them to now become aliens in a region called Kanto. They also found a lot of unattended weed that night. Good times.


	6. Kanto My Kanto

There were times when Morty would wonder about things. There was a time when he wondered if one really could smoke out of a strawberry. He found this to be true and soooo gooood. Another time he wondered how long would it take until Eusine would get annoyed with him, so he once followed Eusine while his friend was looking for Suicune, going, "hey" over and over. This lasted for ten minutes because there were moments where Eusine would forget what he was doing because he was either laughing, replying, or telling Morty to shut up until he snapped, pushing Morty into a thorny bush.

This time, though, he was wondering where the fuck he was. He woke up in a bed that wasn't his, and the room smelled oddly like peaches. He got up and went downstairs only to realize that there was only a bedroom upstairs and a kitchen downstairs. A woman occupied this kitchen.

She greeted him, saying how worried she was when she found him unconscious outside on the streets of Pallet Town last night and mentioned something about her son, but Morty wasn't paying attention. He was wondering where Eusine was.

She had no idea what he was talking about when he mentioned the Suicune molester. Morty freaked out. Everyone knew about the Suicune molester! He ran out of the house, heading north. He almost ran into the tall grass until someone called him to stop. He turned around and saw Professor Oak, who walked up to him and bitch slapped him in the face.

"Hey, you!" Oak spouted. "You stupid boy! Come into my lab! Christ, Red, you always have to do this shit, huh?"

"What the fuck are you talking about," Morty replied, but Oak wasn't paying attention, and instead made Morty follow him. When they got in the lab, Professor Oak asked him if he was a boy or a girl. Morty thought he was being tested, so he said girl, but then Oak slapped him again because WRONG FAGGOT, and then told him to pick a Poke Ball.

Morty told him that he didn't have to because he's flippin' twenty-something and that he's a gym leader, but Oak, being the senile fool that he was, didn't believe him. Before Morty could react, the wall exploded and a giant Snorlax emerged.

"Oh, willy-nilly!" Oak exclaimed, dramatically slapping his hands against his cheeks. "There's a Snorlax blocking the wall! We gotta stop it!"

Morty thought this was his time to prove that he was a gym leader, so he grabbed one of his own Poke Balls and called out Gengar, but what came out wasn't his Pokemon. It was a bunch of weed. He forgot: he usually just let his ghosts do whatever the fuck they wanted.

Nonetheless, the Snorlax peered over at the marijuana. It picked a piece up and threw it in its mouth. Oak and Morty watched as its face went from emotionless, lazy bastard to oh-my-god-there-are-butterflies-everywhere-I-need-to-lay-down-and-appreciate. Before Oak could hit Morty once again, he was already gone and getting into the deep end of the grass. He used his weed on approaching wild Pokemon in order to get away, and soon enough he read a sign saying that he was in Viridian City.

He saw that there was also a gym, so he went inside because a gym leader should be able to help him instead of a douche professor. When he walked in, he kind-of wished he had smoked weed beforehand because this building was too bananas not to light a joint. Actually, he had one bit of marijuana left, so he was standing there trying to light a tiny one up. After he felt baked, he stepped on a tile and found himself spinning forever. By forever I meant for thirty minutes. He eventually had no idea where he was.

"Holy shit, that took you forever, fucker!" Gary exclaimed when Morty somehow made it to him.

"Um," Morty replied. "Are you going to kill me?"

"Yes," Gary answered just to fuck with him. He then said, "Smell ya later!" and shoved Morty onto a tile, and he found himself back at the gym's entrance. Morty muttered a "Goddammit" and exited the gym. Soon enough he was wandering through the Viridian Forest.

As this was happening, all the way in Fuchsia City was Eusine. Earlier, he woke up stranded on Cinnabar Island. He had no idea where he was, and there was nobody around—not even sexy mermaids. For a several hours he was sitting on top of a mountain, blowing his nose on Morty's scarf since he was still wearing his buttbuddy's clothes. He finally decided to grab life by the balls, so he made a raft and rowed all the way to Fuchsia. At one point, due to the hint of insanity he gained, he was screaming in agony as one of his Poke Balls was carried away by the waves. It was his best friend. It helped him cope with the fact that he was stuck on the island.

When he found civilization, the first thing he did was to check where the hell he was. When he figured out he was in Kanto, he decided to just calm the fuck down and enjoy the region. He was strolling through the city, admiring the flowers until nearby he heard two people having a conversation.

"This is balls, Janine," a girl wearing blue leggings and a red skirt scoffed. "I wish I didn't live in Kanto. I miss the Safari Zone. There's nothing to do here, anymore."

"You know what I blame?" said Janine. "The Johto region. This city used to be bustling with interesting Pokemon and tourists, but that Baoba guy just HAD to move to Johto. It's always about Johto. Johto this, Johto that. Fuck Johto."

"I hear ya," the other replied. "I also heard their gym leaders were hella weird. Like there's a dragon type leader who's into bondage, and there's this bug type leader who's a hermaphrodite. The flying type leader is some emo faggot who always wants to kill himself, and the ghost type leader just smells weird."

Janine laughed. "Oh, Leaf. Man, if I ever find someone who arrived here from Johto running around, I'm going to… wait." She stuck a finger in the air and struck a pose. "I smell a Johto fag."

Eusine sputtered, "Oh shit!" He needed to get outta there fast. He ran out of the city and as far as his crazy legs could carry him. He was afraid of what Janine and her crazy Naruto ninja skills were going to do to him if she got to him. Fishermen and water surrounded him at this point, and everything seemed calm, so he decided that he was going to be okay. He kept walking while it was getting dark.

When he got to Lavender Town, he was greeted by obnoxious music. He thought someone kept strumming a cat, which made him felt like he was going crazy. He ran into the Pokemon Tower, hoping for the music to go away, but no. Instead this whole situation got worse.

When he got inside, there were a bunch of female Channelers. Most of them on the second floor were sitting on a couch made creatively out of tombstones, watching the tombstone television. They ate out of tombstone bowls and what they ate was crushed tombstone cereal. They did this and it was like, flippin' tombstone o'clock.

"Holy crap on a stick," Eusine accidentally said out loud out of pure trauma. All the Channelers stopped paying attention to the TV and gazed at Eusine. All of their eyes glowed like a cat's.

They stared at each other from opposite sides of the room for a while until one of the Channelers held up a beer bottle and went, "Come on in, bro!"

They spent the night partying as if all these Channelers were Eusine's harem. Eusine felt right at home since these women didn't want to kill him. Hell, at one point they even encouraged him on catching Suicune, although they had no idea what that was. They shared stories about the good ol' times such as when some of the Channelers decided to reenact the video of OK Go's "Here We Go Again" on tombstones. Even Eusine told stories about his and Morty's adventures like when Morty had to pull gum off his butt, when they sashayed out of a forest, when Morty had to comfort Eusine when a bird shat on him, and how they swapped clothes. He then realized how gay they seemed.

Nonetheless, they had a good time until they all passed out. It was really early in the morning when Eusine felt something touching him. He woke up and saw that all of the Channelers were petting him on the head. He freaked out. He didn't know, though, that they were being possessed, but he still immediately decided to get the fuck out of this tower.

Young Eusine went west until a guard at the lookout station stopped him. The guard was like, "Hey, punk, you're not going to pass here."

"But why not?" Eusine questioned. He felt really tired, and he realized that if he passed this area, he could probably find someplace decent to sleep.

"Because I'm… SO… THIRSTY," the man replied. "So you either get me a drink or go away."

"Aw, man…" Eusine said. He was about to head back from where he came from until he had an idea. "How about I show you a magic trick instead? Despite my appearance, I am really a magician."

"No."

This didn't stop him. He went up to the guard and started doing the MY THUMB IS BEING PULLED OFF ONE OF MY HANDS, BUT IT OBVIOUSLY ISN'T trick. The guard was not impressed.

"You suck, son."

Morty made it to Cerulean City. He spent a night tripping balls in Viridian Forest and passing out. He got to Pewter City where he met Brock, who was actually pretty cool to him, especially after hearing what Gary did to him. Brock always had a grudge against Gary due to the fact Gary was a master seducer. After listening to Morty's story, Brock told Morty about the Magnet Train in Saffron City and even let him ride on his Onix all the way to Cerulean City. It was the afternoon when he got there.

He went south to get to Saffron City, but a lookout station guard also stopped him. This guard was thirsty, as well, but seeing how Morty was dressed in Eusine's clothes, this man was, on the other hand, interested in Morty's magic tricks.

"But… I can't do magic tricks," Morty said.

"Bullshit," the guard said. "If you can magically make water appear out of nowhere, I'll let you pass."

"But I really need to get to Saffron." Morty really wished he had more weed. Bitches love weed. Alas, he turned around and went back to Cerulean City. He had another way to get to Saffron, which was going through a cave, but that was longer and fuck caves, anyway. He then realized something, which was the fact that Cerulean City has a water type gym. Just his luck, too: the gym leader wasn't there at the moment, as well.

Nearby the gym, there was an unoccupied, empty truck. For some reason, the driver's door was unlocked, the keys were in the ignition, and there was a giant vacuum in it, too. It's as if the author wanted this to happen. This gave Morty an idea. Morty went inside the truck and started driving it near the gym, but when he did move the truck a few inches, he saw Mew flew out from under it. It floated around him like a fly and rubbed its face against his arm. It then mewed at him.

"Meow," he said back, astonished. Despite how amazing it was to come across Mew, he had to get out of Kanto. He finished driving to the uninhabited gym, pulled out the giant vacuum, stuck it in the gym's pool, and began sucking up the water. He was tired as hell from doing this, so he was just sitting by the pool, catching his breath until Mew flew around him again. He scratched it behind the ear, wishing he had a Poke Ball or something to catch it with. Maybe he could have traded Mew for Lyra's Ho-oh.

Suddenly, Mew transformed into Zoroark. Morty almost shat his pants from seeing this unfamiliar Pokemon. It roared at him like a pterodactyl and galloped out the gym. Morty followed it. As this happened, Misty was coming back from Route 24 after having another unsuccessful date. It turned out her date was twelve for a while, which was a major turn off. When she saw the giant vacuum, she went, "WHAT THE FUCK."

Morty was too busy watching Zoroark. It leapt up in the air and turned into a MissingNo. Misty ran at Morty, but she halted when she saw what happened.

"HOLY SHIT-WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" she shouted. "EVERYONE, RUUUUUN!" She pulled the vacuum out of the water, and aimed at the MissingNo. "YOU'RE GOING DOWN, YOU SON OF A BITCH." She hit the switch, which made the vacuum spit out all the water like a terrible case of diarrhea instead, and suddenly there was water everywhere. As this happened, all of Kanto was starting to become one glitchy mess.

Morty made a run for it, but stopped when he saw Eusine, who just came all the way from Rock Tunnel, heading towards his direction.

"EUSINE!" Morty cried out, running towards him with his arms wide.

"MORT MORT MORTY!" Eusine cried back, doing the same. When they met in each other's arms, it was the most brotiful thing to have ever happened that the earth briefly shook out of happiness, and the plants around them died due to the fact they combined their bodies to create the ultimate rotten egg stench.

"Shit, man," Eusine said after. "What the hell is going on over there?"

"Eusine," Morty said, "I think I broke Kanto." They turned their heads and noticed from where Eusine came from was malfunctioning. "Dude, we gotta get on the Magnet Train before we're-"

"DEAD," Eusine squawked.

They ran to the lookout station Morty was at as water was flowing from underneath their feet.

"Oh, wow!" the guard exclaimed after seeing all that aquatic water. "You really did it! I must congratulate yo-dfsjksfckaekl ejdlakdjclkajdxAS;zkmx!"

"Oh my god, he glitched!" Eusine shouted as he and Morty ran by. They literally ran through all the buildings until they got to the Magnet Train Station in no time at all.

"LLlsjdkjd!" a woman said. "ASLKSJSKALSAK ASKS ASJK!" She was asking for their passes, but Eusine just punched her in the face, and they hopped on the train. It departed for Johto as Morty and Eusine looked back at Kanto and saw that it dfslfkve;fl ea;dwqod ;ed;jkmdx'd.

"My god…" Morty solemnly said. "What have we become?"

Eusine placed a hand on Morty's shoulder. "You don't have to be this way. Think about the consequences. Turn around and walk away."

Morty then placed his hand on Eusine's shoulder and replied to this with, "What are we fighting for? Isn't life worth so much more?"

"Brother, my brotherrrrrrr," they both sang in unison.

The train eventually made it to Goldenrod. When they walked outside, Morty and Eusine fell to their knees and kissed the filthy ground. Then they walked back to Ecruteak as the people around them tried avoiding them because they smelt so holy-hell-why-aren't-you-guys-dead-yet? disgusting. They were so excited to get back to Morty's gym, but when they got there, it looked different. In fact when Morty tried unlocking the backdoor, it didn't work.

"Moooooortyyyyy!" Medium Martha croaked. "There you aaaaare!"

"Martha! What happened to my gym!" Morty exclaimed, noting all the shiny lights on it when the gym was usually all dark and shoddy.

"Mooorty! Do you have any idea how long you've been goooooone?" Martha said. "You've been gone for a weeeeeeek! Nobody kneeewww where you wweeeeere!"

"Holy shit," Morty said.

"So, uh, what happened to the gym?" Eusine asked.

"I tuuuuurned it into a CASSSSIIIINNNNOOO!" Martha rasped. "One wiiiiiiiith slooooooot machines!"

Morty and Eusine looked at each other, then back at the gym. Together they kicked down the door. Eusine hopped on Morty's back, who then carried both of them throughout the building, scaring the shit out of the people in there because of how disturbing they smelled while playing the vuvuzela. Soon enough the casino was empty, and Morty and Eusine celebrated these turn of events by sitting next to each other at the slot machines, smoking weed and getting poor.


	7. Balls in Disguise : Final

While Eusine and Morty were on adventures they couldn't comprehend, Gengar would be having tea parties on Friday nights with Suicune in secluded areas. These parties included crumpets, top hats, mustaches, and monocles.

This particular session was special, though. As Gengar and Suicune talked in their complex, saying-only-their-name language, it appeared as though Suicune wanted to meet Eusine at last.

Gengar spat out its tea in mid-sip when Suicune brought this up. "But why now?" it questioned.

"Remember that time I got captured, my old chap?" Suicune said. "Nearly scared my pantaloons off. That Lyra girl did give me delicious fish and chips, though, but I was glad to be released. I am afraid that kids these days have more talent than ever before to capture me. I don't want to risk being captured again. I might not come back. I would like it if you would introduce me to this young man."

"Sure thing," Gengar replied, taking one last sip. Gengar then nodded at Suicune, who then nodded back. They ripped off their accessories. Gengar hopped on Suicune's back, and Suicune leapt up into the sky and galloped towards Morty's gym. Gengar gave directions along the way.

At the gym was Eusine and Morty sitting at opposite sides of a room, throwing paper airplanes at each other while meowing. They were high, but for once they were not disturbing the peace until there was a knock on the backdoor. Morty got up and answered it after tripping on a piece of paper, only to watch Gengar fly in and a Suicune prowl itself inside.

Suicune walked up to Eusine and asked, "You are Mystical Man Eusine, correct?"

It suddenly felt like a volcano erupted in Eusine's pants. He was shaking as he slowly wrapped an arm around Suicune's neck while furiously petting it with his free hand. He was crying tears of joy. He was really touching his precious Pokemon after chasing it for years. He couldn't hold in his feelings as snot dripped all over Suicune like a big gay baby, while it was being strangled.

"Duuuude," Morty said after critically observing what just happened. "Dude, Suicune just like, walked in, man. We didn't have to do anything, after all!"

Eusine smiffed. "Hey… you're right! What's up with that?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Suicune used its paws to release itself from Eusine's grip. "Whoa." After it explained itself to the two potheads as they were nodding and not really listening, Eusine brought up something.

"But what about Morty?"

"Yeah, what about Morty?" Morty asked. "Wait, what?"

"DUDE," Eusine placed a hand on his buddy's shoulder and squeezed. "I LIKE, HAVE SUICUNE NOW! WHAT ABOUT YOU, MAN? WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

"I HAVE…" Morty thought deeply about this, "weed?"

Eusine slapped him. "NOTHING! YOU HAVE NOTHING!"

"Oh my god," Morty gasped. His hands shakily went up to his face. He didn't know what was becoming of him. Was he even a man, anymore? "Eusine, you're right. I. I have nothing."

"EXACTLY, BRO! DUDE, WE GOTTA GET YOU HO—HEY!" Eusine started snapping his fingers at Suicune, who was about to scratch up the couch. "CUT THAT SHIT OUT!"

"Sorry," Suicune said, flopping its ass to the floor. "Hey. I know what I can do to make up for this. I can help you chaps find Ho-Oh." Gengar popped out of nowhere, speaking its name like it's its job. "Apparently, your Gengar wants to help, too."

"You know what I just noticed?" Morty said, once again having another critical analysis moment. "Suicune freakin' talks. What the hell, Gengar?" Gengar just flew over to Morty and started giving him a ghost noogie. Morty giggled and cried like a little girl. He was clearly the woman of this relationship.

And so Morty, Eusine, Suicune, and Gengar were off on another adventure. After bickering about which spot they should take on Suicune's back, Eusine took the front seat as Morty took the back, wrapping his arms around his butt buddy as if they were a gay couple on a motorcycle. Suicune rocketed out of the area as Gengar hovered after them.

This was the game plan. According to Suicune, Lyra caught Entei earlier. There was only one legendary Pokemon left in the wild, and it was Raikou. They were going to capture it and trade it to Lyra for her Ho-Oh. Honestly, Suicune kind-of hated the other beast. It would snore at night and would only ask Suicune if its cape made its butt look big. Suicune found that awkward as fuck.

It was really early in the morning when they stopped by the zoo at Route 38. There was nobody around, but fuck that shit. They were going to enter, anyway. And when they did, they were wandering around, looking for Raikou until Suicune lost the douple of durs.

Morty found himself fenced in with gorillas. Morty suddenly got the case of the munchies and noticed that they had a shitton of bananas. As he was sitting there, unpeeling a banana under a tree, Eusine watched from outside of the fence as a gorilla walked up to Morty and lovingly pressed him against her bosom. She took the banana from Morty and stuck it in his mouth, thinking he was her baby.

"Eusine!" Morty exclaimed, waving. "Eusine! This is so amazing! I'm eating without using my hands!"

Eusine felt a pang of jealously at the gorilla when he saw this. He felt like he was being replaced as Morty then said, "Oh, man, I feel so hot suddenly. Oh man, I'm gonna take off my shoes! It is just soooo hot, dude!"

Another gorilla came over as if on cue and stated massaging Morty's feet. His gay giggles echoed.

"THAT'S IT!" Eusine snapped. He went in and nudged the first gorilla away. He snatched the banana as he was holding onto Morty instead. He was confused about what Eusine was up to, but he allowed Eusine to feed him bananas. He regretted it, though, because Eusine was shoving them in his mouth and accidentally having him gag and cough out banana chunks.

"There you two are!" Suicune said when it and Gengar eventually pinpointed them. "We've been looking for you two. It seems as though Raikou isn't here."

"Oh, fuck, I forgot we were looking for that!" Eusine and Morty blurted. While they were raiding the gorillas, it rained, and they realized this was a big deal when the group saw that Morty was jumping in puddles bare-footed.

"Dude, like, where did your shoes go?" Eusine asked.

"I don't even know!" Morty replied back. Suddenly, they heard this overly joyous music that sounded something like DO-DO-DODODO-DO-DO-DODODO-DOO into the distance. They halted.

DO-DO-DODODO-DO-DO-DODODO-DOO!

This music sounded like something fat people would waddle to. Not too far away was a hiker making his way towards the zoo, trying to look for people after being trapped in a cave for weeks. Eusine and Morty, quite mortified, quickly decided to ditch this popsicle stand before they got caught trespassing.

Eusine suggested to Suicune to take them to the Goldenrod Department Store to buy Morty new shoes. Suicune just sighed, running a paw down its face, and took them there. The Pokemon, especially Suicune, weren't allowed to enter with them. Seeing how Eusine and Morty were out of their minds and that they shouldn't have the capabilities of finding their way out of the giant store, Suicune and Gengar decided to look for Raikou in the meantime.

Eusine and Morty walked in the store. They noticed something odd, which was the fact everyone looked Chinese, so they started obnoxiously referring to everyone as Jew Chew. The first thing Eusine picked up was a Suicune Playboy magazine as Morty was trying to figure out which container of Nutella to get. They all looked so good. He also found the floor to be very cold.

"HEY, JEW CHEWWWW," they greeted loudly at the cashier with all their crap. "WE'D LIKE TO GET THESE, JEW CHEWWWWW."

"MY NAME ISHNOT JEW CHEW, YOU CHUT UP NOW," the cashier with a giant beard overflowing from his face declared.

"WHATEVER, JEW CHEWWWW." They both z-snapped their fingers like two scandalous black women.

Then it struck them both after they paid the Jew Chew and was about to leave the Jew Chew store that they didn't even buy shoes.

They panicked and ran back in after dropping all their paraphernalia to the ground. Eusine jumped on top of a shopping cart, telling Morty to push it. He did as Eusine pretended to be surfing, while the intercom was playing "Don't You Want a Fanta?" This was cut short when Morty rammed the shopping cart into Medium Martha.

"Holy shit!" Morty exclaimed as Eusine jumped off and checked for Martha's pulse.

"Dude…" Eusine said. "SHE'S DEAD."

Morty and Eusine would have celebrated if it weren't for the fact they were in a public place. In this case they both freaked the fuck out and made a run to the elevator. When the elevator doors shut and went up, they both were going, "WOOOOOOOP!" until the two of them heard a very high, "HELLO."

"Oh fuck," they both muttered. It was Whitney.

"Oh my god!" she said. "It's like, you two! I haven't seen you guys in a while! What's up!"

"We don't like you," Eusine said.

"Oh my god, so like, yesterday I went to the Pokeathlon Dome, and I like, tried putting on my jersey," she continued, "but when I was putting on my shorts—oh my god, you're not going to believe this—it wouldn't fit! Oh my god, I was so upset! This is why I'm here. I'm going to get some Slim Fast and then stick my finger down my throat and—"

"Dude, Eusine," Morty gasped, desperately slamming his fists on the door as he sweated bullets. "Why haven't we reached the floor yet?"

"Oh my god!" Whitney shouted. "Are we stuck?"

"FUCKING FUCK!" Eusine and Morty shouted. Now both of them were scratching at the door as they were screaming for help. "Goddammit karrrrrrma!"

Eventually they gave up. The three of them were sitting on the floor for a few hours. Eusine was helplessly listening to Whitney talk about nothing as Morty was passed out. The words Whitney said weren't making sense to Eusine, though. He was spacing out with his mouth agape. After Whitney finished a sentence, she noticed that Eusine was out of this world with drool dribbling into a giant puddle on his chest. She also noticed that Morty wasn't wearing shoes, so to match this situation, she stole Eusine's.

They snapped awake when suddenly the elevator decided to move. When they finally got to their destination, they almost forgot where they even were as they ran the fuck out of the elevator. They didn't forget to buy Morty shoes this time, though, but when they left the store, Eusine realized that he wasn't wearing any.

Before they went back inside again, Gengar flew by. It was making urgent gestures towards them until they remembered that they were supposed to be looking for Raikou. They ran after Gengar until they met up with Suicune at Route 35. Suicune found Raikou.

Around this time, Morty was plenty sober enough to command Gengar to use Mean Look. Raikou replied to this with, "Perchè l'hai fatto?"

"Oh my god," Eusine commented. "It's Italian."

"That explains so much…" Suicune said, thinking back when Raikou asked about its booty.

After Morty's Gengar beat the crap out of Raikou, Morty pulled out an empty Poke Ball. Before he chucked it, though, he and everyone else watched when a Master Ball flew out of nowhere and caught Raikou instead.

"What the hell?" everyone shouted. Lyra ran into their view, picking up her ball.

"I did it!" she exclaimed, pumping her ball in the air like a champion. "I caught Raikou!" She didn't notice everyone else. She simply skipped away.

Morty pitched his Poke Ball at the ground. "Goddammit!" he angrily howled. He punted the ball, and soon enough he was huffing. He was usually never angry or at least never tried to be, but this situation somehow managed to crack him.

Everyone around him felt awkward, but Eusine finally walked beside him. He placed an arm around Morty's shoulders and told him words that he had to tell himself before, especially when he was secretly alone in Morty's bed without him knowing to do the nasty, "Hey, bro. It's okay, man. We'll figure out a way to get Ho-Oh. There will always be a way!"

"Yeah…" Morty muttered as he stared at the ground.

Next morning Eusine was lying on the couch with Suicune sleeping on top of him. He was trying to read the paper, but he found his Pokemon so beautiful that he spent a cliché amount of time stroking his precious, watching it in its slumber. This continued until there was a knock on the backdoor.

Eusine somehow managed to slip from underneath Suicune to answer it. He looked down and saw a flustered Lyra.

"Ah! H-hi!" she sputtered.

"Yo," he said back.

"Um," she said. "I… wrote you a letter! Here!" She shoved a letter taped onto a box to Eusine and waved as she scurried off. "Byyye!"

Eusine went back inside and read the letter, which was written with crayons. It was an apology from the little derpy girl. She mentioned Raikou and how it explained to her (she apparently understood Italian and lived in pipes) what Suicune told it about having to be captured for them to trade with her. After he read the rest of the letter, Eusine went, "Holy shit." and an idea suddenly attacked him.

An hour later, Eusine called Morty, who was upstairs in his room doing god knows what. Morty dawdled down the stairs without pants on, asking what it was he wanted.

Eusine greeted him outside with a giant cake made purely out of marijuana. "Look what I maaaaade~!"

Before Morty could react, it exploded and a Ho-Oh flew out from out of the cannabis cake.

"CAAAAA CAAAAAA!" Ho-Oh screamed.

"W-w-what?" Morty sputtered.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Eusine ejaculated out of his mouth as he dropped the plate that had Ho-Oh's Poke Ball being covered with marijuana just now.

Morty was dumbstruck. He didn't know whether to point out that it wasn't his birthday or to say thanks or just to say whatever the fuck he could muster, but at last he finally managed to say something.

"Dude…" he said. He was beginning to cry. "You are the best magician I have ever met…!"

"Pshaaaw," Eusine said, running a finger underneath his nose as he smiled really wide. Morty then leaned over and started picking up all the pieces of marijuana and stuffing some of them in his mouth because this cake was all his, motherfucker.

And with that, Morty hopped on Ho-Oh while Eusine hopped on Suicune, and they exploded off the ground as a rainbow puffed out of their Pokemons' butts. The marijuana Morty held onto flew out of his arms and rained on the Johto region in celebration as he and Eusine both flung their arms in the air and went, "WHEEEEE!"

While everyone was wondering what the fuck was going on, they felt like they were on cloud nine, the place where all the kawaii things are now that the bros finally have their legendary Pokemon to accompany them on their future adventures. Indeed, everyone fucking hates them, but they lived kawaiily ever after. The end.


End file.
